Before you read this story, I want you to know that I have blended Nigerian Pidgin English throughout, and the translations are in brackets. This story popped into my head while I was thinking about my struggles and the challenges I face. It is funny and fun, and I want the world to know about my country and the Pidgin English slang that we are widely known for. Just read and let me know what you think about the story in the comments section. Thank you.
The Hunger
Golly sat down on a thin mattress, rubbing his stomach. His eyes were red — not from crying, but from hunger. He yawned, and you could hear his stomach rumble so loudly that a flock of pigeons took flight from the sound. His eyes narrowed when he heard the flapping of wings, and he rushed to the window, peeking out. With a strangled voice, he called out to his friend Pinkspot:
"Bros come see wetin we dey miss oh! [Bro, come see what we're missing out here!]"
Too Weak to Fight
Pinkspot — whose real name was Caleb — was fast asleep, knocked out from the hunger that had been wearing him down. He tried to stand up but collapsed on the ground instead. He was known as Pinkspot because of a pink dot on his right cheek. He glared up at his friend from the floor; you could see his flat stomach and his ribs poking out.
"Why you dey trouble my sleep? Abeg I no get strength oh." [Why are you messing with my sleep? Please, I don't have any strength left.]
"We dey hungry here, and plenty pigeon dey outside our window oh." [We're starving in here, and there are plenty of pigeons right outside our window!]
"How many you grab na?" [How many did you grab then?] Pinkspot asked.
"Oboy, na my stomach pursue them oh." [Man, my stomach scared them off.]
"And you come wake me eh, no make me vex oh Golly, I go swear for you oh." [And you woke me up for that? Don't make me angry, Golly — I'm warning you.]
"Nothing go work jor, you too get mouth." [Nothing you say scares me. You talk too much anyway.]
They kept bickering at each other — a tense war of words they couldn't make physical because they were too weak to even stand.
The Phone Call
At that moment, Golly's battered phone rang. He struggled to peer at the cracked screen to see who was calling.
"Hello!"
"Na Golly I dey talk to eh?" [Is this Golly?] the voice on the other end asked.
"Na me oh, wetin happen Abel?" [Yeah, it's me. What's going on, Abel?]
"Oboy, you dey miss oh, you no hear wetin dey sup eh?" [Man, you're missing out! Have you not heard what's happening?]
"Oboy, hungry dey beat me and Caleb oh, we just dey on low," [Bro, hunger is beating me and Caleb down bad. We're barely hanging on,] Golly replied.
"E get one big man oh, him dey throw party say him want person to marry him daughter way done reach thirty years and never see husband oh." [There's this wealthy man throwing a big party. He's looking for someone to marry his daughter — she's thirty years old and never found a husband.] Abel replied.
"Oboy you dey craze? I never see food chop, wetin I go carry wife do?" [Are you serious? I haven't even seen food to eat — what am I going to do with a wife?]
One Billion Dollars
"Wetin him dey talk na?" [What's he saying?] Caleb asked from the floor.
"Abeg make I put am for speaker, that guy done Jones." [Hold on, let me put him on speaker — this guy has lost his mind.]
With that, Golly switched the phone to speaker mode so Caleb could join the conversation.
"See eh, Caleb," Abel was saying, "one big man say anybody way go marry him daughter, him go give am one billion dollar oh." [Listen up, Caleb. This wealthy man is saying that whoever marries his daughter, he will give them one billion dollars.] You could practically hear the grin in Abel's voice — he knew he had their full attention.
"Wetin you mean na?" [What exactly do you mean?] Caleb asked, not quite sure he had heard correctly the first time.
The Deal
Abel couldn't stop grinning — you could practically hear the greediness over the phone.
"Well, the man say anybody way fit marry him daughter go hammer one billion dollar." [Well, the man is saying that whoever can marry his daughter will hit it big with one billion dollars.]
"The babe fine?" [Is the girl good-looking?] Golly asked.
"No oh, sha she fat eh, come ugly with plenty pimple for face." [Not at all — she's fat, ugly, and covered in pimples.] Abel replied.
"Na wa oh, this one na big problem oh," [Wow, this is a serious problem,] Caleb said, shaking his head. "E be like say we go just go there to chop free food." [Looks like we'll just go there to eat free food.]
"Na true sha," [That's true though,] Golly said. "I fit dey broke, but I no fit marry fat ugly girl na." [I may be broke, but I can't marry a fat ugly girl.]
"Make una dey play, I no call una to marry her oh," [You guys can relax, I didn't call you to marry her,] Abel said. "I just call una because of the food, I know say hungry dey wire una." [I called because of the food — I know hunger is driving you both crazy.]
"You be our real paddy sha, make thunder of blessing fire you," [You're a true friend, may a thunder of blessings strike you,] Golly said.
"Make e fire you too," [May it strike you too,] Abel shot back, not appreciating that blessing one bit.
"No vex na, sha make we ready to come now, we dey carry extra bag oh," [Don't be upset, just get us ready to come now — we're bringing extra bags,] Caleb said as they hung up.
God Forbid
Golly turned to Caleb. "Oboy, me I no fit marry like that oh, fat and ugly — God forbid bad thing." [Man, I can't marry someone like that — fat and ugly — God forbid.]
"Calm down na, we done get place to eat, make we ready to jam the joint." [Calm down, we already have somewhere to eat. Let's get ready and head over there.]
With tremendous will, they both struggled to dress up. When they were finally ready, Caleb turned to Golly with an annoyed look.
"Wetin that stupid phone still dey do for your hand na?" [Why are you still holding that useless phone?]
"Wetin my phone do you na?" [What has my phone done to you?] Golly asked, not appreciating the insult at all.
"You for don sell am tay tay, so we go chop na." [You should have sold it a long time ago so we could have eaten.]
"Oboy, I try tire, nobody gree buy am — them say the phone dey kill network." [Man, I tried my best but nobody would buy it — they said it kills the network signal.]
"Sha, e bad oh," [Well, that's unfortunate,] Pinkspot said, leading the way as they headed out.
The Party They Knew Nothing About
One thing they never knew — and what Abel had failed to mention — was that the party was to be attended by the who's who of society and their sons. At the heart of the mansion where the party would take place, there was a large swimming pool containing about twenty sharks. The sharks were so enormous that they could snap a grown man clean in half with a single bite.
They had no transport fare, so they had to trek. It was a brutal journey — they were weak from hunger and staggered with every step — but with sheer determination, they finally arrived at the venue after a grueling three-hour walk.
The Charm at the Gate
At the gate of the mansion, they met Abel, who had been waiting for them. He wasted no time filling them in.
"See, if una enter them go kick una out, una look poor." [Look, if you walk in like this they'll throw you out — you look too poor.]
"Oboy, wetin we go do na, I could practically smell the food from here," [Man, what are we going to do? I can practically smell the food from here,] Golly said.
"No need to worry, my main men, before I come here, I meet a babalawo and him give me charm." [No need to worry, my guys. Before I came here, I visited a traditional spiritualist and he gave me a charm.]
"Oboy, e no reach to visit a witch na," [Man, was it really necessary to visit a witch?] Caleb said, shifting uncomfortably.
"No be witch, na wizard," [It's not a witch, it's a wizard,] Abel said, pulling out three rings.
"Wetin be the difference na?" [What exactly is the difference?] Golly asked.
"Never mind. Baba say if we wear this ring, we will look like important people — but we are not to talk to the first three people way talk to us oh." [Never mind that. The man said that if we wear these rings, we'll appear to be important people — but we must not respond to the first three people who speak to us.]
"You sure say e go work?" [Are you sure it'll work?] Golly asked, eyeing the rings suspiciously.
"E go work oh, as soon as we enter the gate eh, the charm done start oh." [It will work — the moment we step through that gate, the charm activates.]
"Gimme my own," [Give me mine,] Caleb said, reaching out without another word of hesitation.
And with that, Abel distributed the rings. They each slipped one on and walked through the gate of the mansion.
Into the Lion's Den
The first thing the three friends saw when they entered the mansion was the massive swimming pool at the center. The water was calm — no ripple, still as a silent night. Then they noticed the guests. Most were wearing red with white stripes of cloth tied around their waists, while others wore white with red stripes tied around theirs. A few were dressed entirely in black. They shuffled toward the large table at the far end of the compound, surrounded by an enormous buffet spread. They were heading straight for it when a waiter intercepted them.
"Red wine or white?"
"I go take white wine," [I'll have the white wine,] Golly said with a wide grin.
"Here you go," the waiter said, handing him a glass. Golly gulped it down in one go and immediately grabbed the second glass with the red wine. He turned to his friends with a questioning look, but they shook their heads and pointed at the rings on their fingers. With a jolt, Golly yelped and muttered:
"I done die oh." [I'm finished — I just messed up.]
"Is there a problem?" the waiter asked.
"No oh," [No, nothing,] — and then Abel jabbed a finger at Golly's ring and raised two fingers in front of his face, reminding him that he had already spoken twice. Golly hurriedly clamped his mouth shut with his hand as the waiter looked at him with a strange, narrowed expression.
Blood Before Food
They arrived at the buffet table and eagerly reached for plates when the server stopped them cold.
"Hold it," he said, eyes scanning them slowly. "Have you submitted your blood?"
They looked at one another in confusion, then shook their heads.
"Well, there will be no food unless you submit your blood. As you should well know — this is the home of the Bloody Society."
"Wait oh! You mean say na ritualists them be?" [Hold on! Are you saying these people are ritualists?] Caleb exclaimed.
"Yes," the waiter said, his eyes narrowing as he studied them carefully. "So you guys no be members eh?" [So you three aren't members, are you?]
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